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| You know, I have no idea why I still have this. Either I need to start updating it or just give up the pretense.
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| I went to Morris with Mitch this weekend. Oh, there are so many things
to say that I barely know where to begin. I love it. I
absolutely love it. Of course, I had an inkling that I would
based upon Mitch's endless raving about it, but I had no idea that I
would really love it as much as I did. It isn't just the town of
course (though that certainly seemed nice; small enough to be cozy but
big enough to have many of the conveniences of a larger town), but his
family was so amazing. His mother is probably one of my new
favorite people in the world and his father is such an intelligent,
gentle, funny, strong, good person...Again, I knew that this would be the case. I mean, they produced Mitch, so
they would have to be exceptional people. And that is the very
reason that I have been so terrified to meet them this last year and a
half! I just can't even explain how they made me feel.
Well, I can try: welcome. They made me feel more welcome than
I've ever felt anywhere that I've ever been and that includes my own
home on many (if not most) occasions. I felt so...at home.
Gosh, I wish that I could be more articulate but they made me feel so
warm and fuzzy that I truly don't have the words to describe it.
I just wanted to stay forever.
The experience was even complete with a cute boy the flirt with!
I know, I know, boys are the very last thing that I need right
now. But meaningless flirtation is so much fun. The kind of
flirtation that you don't really mean but you also mean every word of
it, you know? When you have no intention of ever doing anything
with that person but you also would if
the opportunity came along. I guess there aren't very many
circumstances when that is really true; most flirtation is based on a
desire to actually accomplish
something by it. And to some degree, I suppose that is true of
meaningless flirtation, as well. But the thing being accomplished
is simply having fun, although the heightened physical awareness
because of attraction is also just a pleasurable state.
Anyway, I would like to say more about the whole experience but I have
to go eat lunch. If I have time, I might update this later...
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| Writing my last entry gave me something of a new lease on life.
Well, simply writing the entry isn't what was responsible but my own
realization of the cyclical nature of life. Of course, this is
something that I knew before but to recall it, especially when
something is happening that you can't wait to have pass...it really
helps. I think about how happy I was last year and for the first
time this year, it doesn't make me sad. It gives me hope because
I will be that happy again someday. I don't know when or how or
where I'll be or even who I'll be, but I will be that happy
again. The mystery of it is enticing in itself, isn't it?
Maybe it will be next year, maybe it won't be for several years or many
many years. But some day, I will walk around thanking God with
every step for blessing me so much. I try to do that now, to keep
in mind all of the ways that I am so lucky and it helps. I thank
God for giving me so much strength and having what seems to be an
unending amount of faith in me. I thank Him for giving me the
courage to simply trust Him that what is happening is right. And
I do, which may be the craziest thing of all. I really believe
that this is happening for a reason and it doesn't matter whether or
not I can see that reason. After all, it isn't my responsibility
to understand, it's my responsibility to accept. Oh, the me of a
few years ago would be horrified to hear that. But that me hadn't
seen what I have seen: God really does know more than I could ever
comprehend. Not that I thought that God didn't know everything,
but one can't help but try to think for him (or her) self
sometimes. And of course, I will be guilty of that forever, but I
will try to always have the underlying understanding that everything I
know is still nothing in the scheme of things. A challenge, to
say the least, but is it more of a challenge than the last six months
of my life? Somehow I doubt it. And maybe that alone is
enough to explain why I have lived through this.
The best way to become happy is to act like you're happy all the time
until eventually you forget that you're pretending. After years
of practice, it should have been obvious to me but it's really
true. For the last two days, I have acted like I am happy and
great and don't have a care in the world and while I feel dishonest
occassionally, I ultimately feel better. Last night, I truly felt
okay about life. Yes, it is hard and painful, but I am stronger
than I'll ever give myself credit for. As I sat here, listening
to Cowboy Bebop jazz, wasting time on a word find and talking to
Meredith, I actually felt a kind of peace that I don't think that I've
experienced once this year.
I guess losing everything can sometimes mean getting exactly what you need.
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| You know, I don't even know how I manage to keep my head up. In
the words of my father, life knocks you down and then kicks you in the
balls as you lie in a crumpled heap on the floor. I may not have
balls but I did have one thing that was incredibly important and
vulnerable and it has been kicked. Hard. My heart.
I don't want my soul to become one giant callous but I can almost feel
it happening. With every blow, I draw closer and closer into
myself. I can't have anything else happen. I didn't think
that I could handle any more as it was, but I guess that that isn't
true. But what else do you do than handle it? It isn't like
I have an option. But I really don't know how much more I can
take. I keep saying that; when will I actually lose my
mind? This is just Life, pushing me to the absolutely brink of
self-destruction again. As I recently told Steve, perhaps my last
words to him, "Life is pain. I should be used to it by now."
But I'm not. I'm not sure I ever will be and as much as my
self-preservation instincts want to become such, I don't know if that
would be any better. Life without pain is life without
pleasure. Life without sorrow is life without joy. But I
truly can't handle anything else right now. I've had to leave
three classes in the last two days because I was either crying or about
to. I've told myself that I'm allowed to cry this week, a luxury
that I have never before given myself. But I had to. If I
tried to bottle this all up...I will explode. Or more likely, I
will fail to be everything that I need to be and in a big way.
And that isn't an option, either, so where does that leave me? It
leaves me crying but with my own permission (for this week at least).
I just don't understand why this had to happen now. I would never
let something as stupid as a boy make me question my faith, but I can't
help but wonder, "Why? Why now? Do I seem so strong?
Does my life seem so good? Do I seem like I really can handle
that much more?" I should feel complimented, that He has so much
faith in me. But I hurt so much I feel physically ill. My
ribs feel like they've been broken. I've had this feeling before;
I've had this feeling for months. But to have it renewed,
stronger and more painful than ever; this is Fortuna smiling
sadistically as she removes the last scraps of hope from my
future. When will anything be good? It sounds so
melodramatic and I try not to be that way. I am a rational and
intelligent person but that doesn't prevent me from feeling
hopeless. It was the one thing that I had; it was the one good thing in my life. Even that was too much.
Okay, I will make a list of everything that I love about my life and that will make me feel better, right?
1) Choir
2) Mitch
3) Meredith
4) My family
5) My religion class
6) Organic apple juice
7) Mints stolen from DS with cold water during a boring class
8) Working out (that's a new one but I really love it!)
9) Zanax
10) Writing SAGA e-mails
11) Opera
12) Matching accessories
I don't know what else I have. Those are a lot, though,
right? Heck yes they are. I have a lot of great things in
my life. I may feel hopeless and helpless and desperate, but I
have all of those things. I didn't put God on the list
because...I'm not sure why. I didn't think He quite fell into the
same category as mints or jewelry or prescription anti-anxiety
medications.
I try so hard. And damn it, I am going to succeed. I am going
to be happy again someday. I'm going to work out with Meredith
and watch what I eat. I'm going to hang out with Mitch until he's
sick of me. I'm going to spend lots of quality time with my
sister and I'm going to start trying to actually make friends in
choir. I'm going to live a full and happy life and it won't
matter that...No. And nothing that is bothering me now will
matter. Well, that's isn't entirely true. My mom will still
die. Steve will never care about me the way I care about
him. But you know what? That's life. And while it may
be nearly unbearable at times because it hurts so much, it can also be
nearly unbearable because it feels so good.
If I just keep that in mind, surely I will be happy again some
day. And then some day in the future, when I feel hideous again,
I can think about this. And know, truly, that whatever it is, it
isn't that bad. How many times in life can one's entire existence
fall apart so completely? Hopefully no more than once or
twice. And this would make...well, it would kind of make
two. But once it was a good thing that it all fell apart (not
that I could see it then). But it wasn't shit for an existence
anyway. Everything that happens teaches me. Everything that
hurts, everything that feels good, all of the burning pain that I feel
now and all of the frenetic joy life is capable of providing;
everything that happens teaches me and makes me stronger.
By the time we die, we must be so strong I can hardly believe we die at all.
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Well, I got my grades today and I am irritated. I didn't do that
badly, really, but I just didn't really expect what I got. I got an A-
in my Spanish class, which actually made me a little mad. I mean, the
losest frickin' grade I got on anything in that class was 97%! I was also the only person to get 100% on two
exams, plus I got an A- on my oral final. He even complimented me,
saying that I speak a lot and well and in complete phrases. I mean,
what doesn't spell A about that? In fact, I was so distraught that I
e-mailed him to ask why I got an A- and he responded with the worst
bullshit imaginable. I acutally asked what affected my grade so
negatively that I lost a grade level and he thought that I thought that
I got a B or something and said that there had been some kind of
mistake because I got an A-, which is really good. I was like, what
the fuck? A- may be okay, but I really think that I deserved an A. I
mean, what the hell else am I supposed to be doing that would make my
performance better? I also got a B+ in a class where I would have bet
money that I was getting an A. Not even an A-, but a B+! What the shit is that? *sigh* Oh, it doesn't fucking matter. My GPA is just going to have to fucking suffer.
My break is...well, it's really going about how I expected it to.
Everyone wants me to be with them, paying attention to them, helping
them out, trying harder and being better all the time. My mom and my
grandparents both want me living with them, but neither of them want me
to actually LIVE there. They just want me to be there all the time,
but they both get so mad at me for having my stuff there and creating
messes and being awake when I'm awake and sleeping when I'm sleeping.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make everyone happy.
Truly, I can't. There isn't any way that I can be what everyone wants
me to be.
I'm basically living out of my car. There isn't room for me anywhere,
but there's demand everywhere. I don't know what to do but I actually
don't feel that unhappy at the moment because I'm talking to Gabe about
Steve, so I'm not going to force myself to think about it and write
this entry. So, I'll get back to it some other time. | | |
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